its really weird

hard

to give up on something that seemed to important and forever .___.

jordan wrote me luv notes everyday

that said rehrehrehrehreh i like you its not stupid crush we have so much in commonrehrehrehhrehrehharthartharthart

its justwierdhe loved me so much

inallthe ways

and at our sleepovers he wanted kissme sobad all the time .____.

and i was so mean i always said no

we did everythingtogether

first time we held hands it was goingto get pizza and i heldhis hand the whole way there but

i didnt want anyone to see

grr i wish i always let everyone knowhe was my boyfrend

i did a lot ofthings wrong i am really madat myself sometimes butiwas only in 8th grade v___v

if we could startover and be couple now

ifhe said helove me in everyway you love your lovr then i wouldnt care about whohe was with ever ever ever or ifhewas doing heroin or anything withwhoooever

i want that so much i wanna startover

:[ justwen i got outof all my stupid ruts

and i always looked back on past and wished for then

.___. myadvice to everyone isssss try not to do that because then you will end up withoutperson you love faster than you know it

i know thats really hard to do

not to be nostalgic

jordan was bestthing that i ever found

i cant shake

the notion that it will

fix itself ._.

but how can i compete withthis

or standbyhim

._____.

somehow

.__.

i sshouldhave slept more

gosh

i reallyjust want

one thing more than anything else

and idont think it would change anything in a bad way

ithinkit would be good

ihope that this happens

miracle ._. pleasepleaseplease

okay okayokay jesus christ

i want to kill myself

sometimes i am fine

and then sometimes ithink

im afraid of everything

and i have the optionsiwant

i fit here too perfect

wefitperfect

why is this happening

whatamidoing .__.

imnot doing

anyof my homework

and

why me

and

whyyyyyyyyou

everything is right

except for one thing

onething._.

two things?

yes .___.

uuupppset

okaay. tonight im going home

i didnt tell my mom

im just coming to see emily hess because she lives in northcarolina

i luv her

every time i was at emilies thouuugh

i would be so happyto be with her

but also sooo happy that i could go be with jordan later

so this time its diffferent

if i say anything to my mom about being home she will have really hurt feelings

.____. i hate this whole stupid situation

i hateit

i reallydont want to come home at all

iwas going home with kait and ben

but emilyshome

oh well oh well oh well

its just being home

without being with jordan

seems like a big wierd horriblething .__.

i wish i cud go home and see my mom and be with jordan a little and be comfortable with the wholething

idontwanttosee jordan

like i am

ishouldjust

stop thinking about this!

its oooonly a couplea days

today i didnt sleep one bit all night i worked on fishgut and on the way to class i was really upset because of lack of sleep and sweet jordan memories that hurt real bad and maddie gold my teacher helped me open the really really heavy door and i was feeling really pathetic and upset my painting soooo sloppy

but she said she loved it

and was really proud of me v___v

ifeltbetter

that one time wen i went to robs with jordanemilyrobashley vince

iwas kinda sleepy and wierd

didnt want to sleep on couch with jordan too small

it made him cry .__. and then i invitedhim on floorwith mewe hugslept

.___________.

i thought about this all day

thisis a positive entrie sooo wen people readit

its not all jordan clouds

the koreangirls in my class like to treat me to drinks and

invited me to come to their expensive apartments

.__.

this is good

you deserve itall

im upset because im not going to ever go home ever again

jordanruined everything comfortable

ihatejordan

in end i just feel extremely selfconscious, selfloathing uncomfortable and upset andstupidother negativethings

gur gurgurgurgurgurgur gur gur gur

iwant to cry

iwant to call you

iwant youto be my boyfriend

iwanttonever everthinkabout you

hes so stupid

wen i talk to himlast time

i was with twee and i smiledat her and itwas just a smile because im trying reallyhard not to be stupid miserable roomate allthe time

and jordan just sayyyys that"yor fine yor just moping"

fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckfyoufycouffff

im so upset

outofmymindoutofmymindoutofmymindoutofmymindoutofmymindoops

afterthis

yearone coerse intolove followaround retardedkidsstpidstupidstupid

yeartwochange fix change fix apathy stupidsdtupidstupid stupid stupid

year threee apathy apathyapathy apathy..........somethingbad must have happened

year for struggle forget stupid worriedwut stupid stupid

year five lovehappy stupid change changechange end six? no

for fiveminutes today i want call and tell you takeme bak

or foreverthingto be like before

im done thooooo. i haveto think of something else thoo. goddammit im upset

im not going to go to stupid counseling

i hope i dont fucking fail school.

i just wishthat

me going awaydidnt feel like nothing foru

iwant to die

i just want to tell jordan i love him

everytime

i talk to him. i think that its just pushing me away.....altho he says iloveyoutooo.

this happensto me

always this time of year

my onlyhopes is there is a glitch in yor head

i will try to get better on my own

but i hopeyou realise that you love me and everything

i want youto show up at my door

saying that you are sorryand youlldo anything to prove you mean it this time

i dont want it to be over

when it comes down to everything

i would quit school, get a job at no whereand live in a house in york

with himmmmm. it would be better than w/o him

i hate how things work out...its not fair its not fair its not fair.

pleaseifanything in the worldis okay or good at all pleaseplease please i want to bewithjordan

hemake me happiest

i love kait and thuy

they are the best best best possible roomatesicouldhave ever got

i am going home this weekend im so sad andeffedup and kait

said that she would come home with me if i wanted

okay

wen im honest with myself

its

i love jordan

i love jordan for jordan and

i lovejordan for me and

jordans actually 90% nice

hes a lot percent jumbled up inside

and

that kindof makes it harder

i lovehim so much

its not going to be okay though

i dont know how i will ever be okay

ill never be okay

i love him and ill neverever ever love anyone else ever

its obvious

everyone knows this

idonteven want anyoneto say anything......no one has anything to say anyways. I want to die.

i hope i dont die

i just dont want to go home i dont want to be here i dont want to be with my mom or kait or anyone i want to be jordans girlfriend forever and i want it to be that way but its going to be too hard

how do i live

idont

ass

people keep asking me if im in a relationship

Kindof

a little

idontknow

i dontknow how to feel

its very neutral a lot of thetime

i just rilly worried itwill hit me hard soon

i cannot understand how youcan ignorme likethis

when you know howbad it hurts my feelings

ihate being a person ihate having a stomache and a brain i hate that im sittinghere i hate hatehatehate hate hate stupid nurses

iwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happyiwas so happy

college

iworkmore than everywone ithink

whydo it look like i dont work atall

i wrote upa wholestupid paper for class and idelete it all

last nite i didnt sleep to do a 2d project and its ruined by ink and water

andfamilywhy youso sick

andjordan why wontyou pickup the foneone time in threedays

andhowcome ashleyhav to be so hurt she leave

howcome boyfrandnevur visit ever

ihate right now

i wishkait wasnt sleeping

i wish i had mypaper i wanted to go to class

im so upset

my hair is bad

i donthink i can do jordan not talkingto me anymor

if hehateme somuch i wish hejust say to go away

thisis the worst ever

i wantt to cry for a longlonglonglong time

iam eatingyogurtwith fork becus there no sppooons.

im really mad that ivemanaged to loose every ruler i have with centimeters

i hate inches

sooomuch

its really cold and it smells funny on the floor

alsoi reallymiss jordan and homenow

goooosh .___.

thisfeeling is the one i havewhen myboyfrend hurts my feelingsreallybad and doesnt care or saysthat he doesnt loveyou. thatdidnt happen but i feelthat way and i feel that way so many times that this feeling triggers meto thinkaboutjordan so much

i keep missing class

i really dontwant to fail

ithinkim going to fail

iam ruiningm y life

so fast

ihopethat if i change 100%in good turns

it can make up for me beingstupidfuk

i am goingto vomit

alwaysgoing to vomit

everyone is still proud of me, tho

very very very bad

if i go backto sleep

my roomateswill think im dead

this is easier than thaaat

i love

too much

people

this isthe problem

imso sory._.

iam uncertain

weeek end

lastnite was sogood

kait ben me find piles of flowers and givethem to philly make it less angry

um, ashley ra got really madand yelled at us

not cause of flowersbut becus she luvs rian and rian luvs meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

jordan is reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally stupid

and idk this weekend i

went to a party at temple

why didnt i do any homework

..........

hungry

omg wow mgmt swet cloth

.___. nothing is a good enough decision

soooo igo with all

it hurts my feelings

wth._.

i also iam very upset and i sometimes in the past hour really knew why ad its not fair reallybeing nice oooooo idont know whatto think ever you are so okay wen its okay i look wierd i dont konw if i really want to know eitherpeople!!!!! whyyymy liiiife my careeeer

ifeel sick

it would have been reaaaaaaalllyyy cooooooool if you werent suchabro/wierdo/deprivedpervylonley assface

gosh.___.

my feelings hurt

justwantedtobe friends a littleyoustupid asshole

jesus christ

i never slept this littlebefore;

but i semi finished something!

annd also have motivation again kinda

aannnd today in drawing we had to draw more lines and i felt like my eyes were puking and i was making ciiiirrcless

do iiii have a boyfriend????????

i am making cubes out of claaaay

i have 19 and ihave to make 36

:]

am i hungry!??!

wth i canttell

aaahhhh

sohmmmmmm........

college is good on the weekends!!

easy

and

i got somethings done

this week is going to suck tho

workwise

ohwell>:I

luv luv luv luv

miss j.

luv

luv

.___.

:)

:))))))))))))))))))))))))))

3D teacher---------

i thought i cud do this so i wasnt that worried tuesday. iworkedmore than i ever have in my entire life on this project and i didnt get it

pleasehelp

please dont screamat me

iwas thinking aboutnot comingat all becauseimso terrified ofyou and everyone else

butim comingand im gonna tryreallyreallyreally hard to not act like a 13 yearold girl wheni tellyou infront of everyone i don't have it (flashback: latinclassend of year) or anything to show for it except a bunch of mauled up cardboard

love, meee

i am going to cry.___.

:[[[[[

i keep workingon this project and fuckingit up and starting over

thisone was the second one to almost be finished

and my sleeve was dipped in paint and

putmy hannnnd on it now its messedup

im upset._.

i spend seven dollars on stuff and im running out...

idont want to buy more

ihave so many project due and i keep messing up :[woo hoo not to mention ink all over my macboookwoooooo

wantwantwant

also you for the first time

myboyfriend jordan is not nice at all

iwud like him to be a goodbboyfriend because

i lovehim and i dont rilly want a new one

sadfeelings make it hard to do welll i am behind in school and that makesme afraid

everyone else is so focused and talented and ready and i canonly hope i am one of those thing.___.

i think that college is for people with lotsof ambitionsand

i dontknow if i havethoose

sometimes i do they justarnt there all the time

especialy on days like todaywhen youwont talk tome

i am sleepy but ishud do homework .__. i am too upset to do homework

i shut my door and people say that they like me

and whenitsopen and they come in it doesnt seem so

idontknow if i evenlike them as much as i thought

but ifyoudont like me that iswhy i so upset last night

i havesomething irillywud like to tellyou and you arenowhere to find :[

itmakeme sad that you probably do not care

ifyousayyou do i dont believeyou

and i dont loveyou verymuch but you seem to care so

wut is holdingme back when youarent .___.i wish you were holdingme back

i am upset

you love me lessthan i hopedyou would

if i go away

reallygoaway

then maybe youwill be upset tooooo

i kindof want that

you never wantedme to be upset though

sometimes iam so sure who is the more bad person and

sometimes, like now iam not.

when im not sure, like now, and peoplethat like stars say they miss them, its not fair because none of the ones you want to see are brightenough here. ifthere were stars you would like me more, it would give me a chance

ithink wanting chanceis what may have caused youto not answer yor fone

and everytime you do, after you dont im mad and hurt but then i loveyou more and i hope that isnt why we are stilltogether .__.

you aresoooo mixed up

you you you you you you you

lastnite paul here late and sleep above meeee, kaylas frennd.

he can beat box

in the morning he wokeup and sed something about cheerios

which of course was really funny because everythinghe ses is really funny becuase he souunnds like the president.

i am doing homework

tooonighhht iclimbed on the roof and kicked my fone off

yaaaaaay college

everyone on my floor is drunk and sleeping

except me

unciatim

this blog is for me

to tell me

thingsbecause,

ireallyjust wish you all would goaway .__.