whatamidoing .__.

imnot doing

anyof my homework

and

why me

and

whyyyyyyyyou

everything is right

except for one thing

onething._.

two things?

yes .___.

uuupppset

okaay. tonight im going home

i didnt tell my mom

im just coming to see emily hess because she lives in northcarolina

i luv her

every time i was at emilies thouuugh

i would be so happyto be with her

but also sooo happy that i could go be with jordan later

so this time its diffferent

if i say anything to my mom about being home she will have really hurt feelings

.____. i hate this whole stupid situation

i hateit

i reallydont want to come home at all

iwas going home with kait and ben

but emilyshome

oh well oh well oh well

its just being home

without being with jordan

seems like a big wierd horriblething .__.

i wish i cud go home and see my mom and be with jordan a little and be comfortable with the wholething

idontwanttosee jordan

like i am

ishouldjust

stop thinking about this!

its oooonly a couplea days

today i didnt sleep one bit all night i worked on fishgut and on the way to class i was really upset because of lack of sleep and sweet jordan memories that hurt real bad and maddie gold my teacher helped me open the really really heavy door and i was feeling really pathetic and upset my painting soooo sloppy

but she said she loved it

and was really proud of me v___v

ifeltbetter

that one time wen i went to robs with jordanemilyrobashley vince

iwas kinda sleepy and wierd

didnt want to sleep on couch with jordan too small

it made him cry .__. and then i invitedhim on floorwith mewe hugslept

.___________.

i thought about this all day

thisis a positive entrie sooo wen people readit

its not all jordan clouds

the koreangirls in my class like to treat me to drinks and

invited me to come to their expensive apartments

.__.

this is good

you deserve itall

im upset because im not going to ever go home ever again

jordanruined everything comfortable

ihatejordan

in end i just feel extremely selfconscious, selfloathing uncomfortable and upset andstupidother negativethings

gur gurgurgurgurgurgur gur gur gur

iwant to cry

iwant to call you

iwant youto be my boyfriend

iwanttonever everthinkabout you

hes so stupid

wen i talk to himlast time

i was with twee and i smiledat her and itwas just a smile because im trying reallyhard not to be stupid miserable roomate allthe time

and jordan just sayyyys that"yor fine yor just moping"

fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckfyoufycouffff

im so upset

outofmymindoutofmymindoutofmymindoutofmymindoutofmymindoops

afterthis

yearone coerse intolove followaround retardedkidsstpidstupidstupid

yeartwochange fix change fix apathy stupidsdtupidstupid stupid stupid

year threee apathy apathyapathy apathy..........somethingbad must have happened

year for struggle forget stupid worriedwut stupid stupid

year five lovehappy stupid change changechange end six? no

for fiveminutes today i want call and tell you takeme bak

or foreverthingto be like before

im done thooooo. i haveto think of something else thoo. goddammit im upset

im not going to go to stupid counseling

i hope i dont fucking fail school.

i just wishthat

me going awaydidnt feel like nothing foru

iwant to die

i just want to tell jordan i love him

everytime

i talk to him. i think that its just pushing me away.....altho he says iloveyoutooo.

this happensto me

always this time of year

my onlyhopes is there is a glitch in yor head

i will try to get better on my own

but i hopeyou realise that you love me and everything

i want youto show up at my door

saying that you are sorryand youlldo anything to prove you mean it this time

i dont want it to be over

when it comes down to everything

i would quit school, get a job at no whereand live in a house in york

with himmmmm. it would be better than w/o him

i hate how things work out...its not fair its not fair its not fair.

pleaseifanything in the worldis okay or good at all pleaseplease please i want to bewithjordan

hemake me happiest

i love kait and thuy

they are the best best best possible roomatesicouldhave ever got

i am going home this weekend im so sad andeffedup and kait

said that she would come home with me if i wanted

okay

wen im honest with myself

its

i love jordan

i love jordan for jordan and

i lovejordan for me and

jordans actually 90% nice

hes a lot percent jumbled up inside

and

that kindof makes it harder

i lovehim so much

its not going to be okay though

i dont know how i will ever be okay

ill never be okay

i love him and ill neverever ever love anyone else ever

its obvious

everyone knows this

idonteven want anyoneto say anything......no one has anything to say anyways. I want to die.

i hope i dont die

i just dont want to go home i dont want to be here i dont want to be with my mom or kait or anyone i want to be jordans girlfriend forever and i want it to be that way but its going to be too hard

how do i live

idont

ass

people keep asking me if im in a relationship

Kindof

a little

idontknow

i dontknow how to feel

its very neutral a lot of thetime

i just rilly worried itwill hit me hard soon

i cannot understand how youcan ignorme likethis

when you know howbad it hurts my feelings

ihate being a person ihate having a stomache and a brain i hate that im sittinghere i hate hatehatehate hate hate stupid nurses